Teeth Scraping

So I finally checked the messages on my cell phone that have been piling up over the last week(I do this to make myself feel more popular). Two of the messages were hangups which I could go on about for hours but I won’t because it’s stupid to rant about trivial matters that even Dane Cook wouldn’t touch. The last message was from my dentist reminding me of the cleaning appointment that I have coming up. Since I don’t keep a calender this call is very important as I do not wish to be charged $100 just because I don’t have the common sense to write down appointments when I make them.

The message reminded me of two things.

The first was that my oath to floss daily had once again been broken mere minutes after leaving my last appointment. A recurring theme which has plagued(or plaque’d LOL) my dental health since I was old enough to wipe my own ass. So now I am getting ready for a week or two of diligent flossing in the hopes that someone who spends their entire day looking at neglected mouths will think that I’m not lying through my teeth(I’m on fire today with the dental jokes!) when I tell them that yes I brush everyday but sometimes slip and only floss about five times a week. This usually makes the hygienist think I’m either lying(true) or severely inept at doing something that most seven year-olds have mastered. Depending on which hygienist I get I could be in for a lecture on proper brushing technique or if I’m lucky they will just accept my story along with a promise to do better next time. No matter what happens all parties involved leave disappointed.

This of course neatly flows into my second thought after hearing the message; my last appointment. Nothing terrible happened, they found no cavities and scraping was kept to a minimum(relatively). The other thing which was kept to a minimum was something doctors and prostitutes like to call “bedside manner”. The wench who was cleaning my teeth was a fairly young and attractive hygienist who I hadn’t seen in my three years of going to that clinic. She also seemed to regard me in complete contempt as if I had just killed her family and impregnated her to celebrate my victory. There were no more than five sentences exchanged between the two of us during the entire thirty minute ordeal. She did her job in total silence while being distracted by the television. The normal procedure at this clinic is to allow the patient to decide what they want to watch as they are the ones paying for the privilege of having their gums prodded with a sanitary hook. Of course she was too wrapped up in her talk shows to care about that.

I felt dirty and cheap. It was like I paid a hooker and she just lied there the whole time staring blankly at the semen-stained ceiling of the motel room. I don’t demand that people be fake around me or try to engage me in mindless smalltalk. In fact I appreciate when people are real to me and don’t bother with all the normal social graces. Just don’t make me feel less than human while I’m lying on my back staring up your nose.

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