The song has been stuck in my head for the last three days. It’s fucking haunting me. I’ve even tried that old trick of listening to it repeatedly in an effort to overstimulate my brain and cause it to shut down and wipe the song forever from my memory.
All this must end.
Whenever I have a problem I always think of some words I heard in a commercial once: find the source of the distress and murder it. Here’s the source of my misfortune when he was in Iran or something.
Did you know that Chris de Burgh isn’t even his real name? He also claims to be English but was born in Argentina and now lives in Ireland. Did you know that Argentina was actually at war with England in like the 60’s or something? I think Chris or at least his family had something to do with that. Probably acting as a double agent and fucking over whoever he could just for kicks. This is further proven by the fact that now he lives in Ireland which is a country where(if my facts are correct) they blow up children inside of churches for fun and profit.
Of course this information came to me rather easy so you could imagine what type of secrets this guy keeps to himself! If anything my 14 minutes of studying everything about Chris today has shown me that he is not a man to be trifled with. I’d be willing to bet that “Lady in Red” refers to the time where he murdered a bride on her wedding night and then starting dancing around and making fuck with her corpse(you know because the dress was stained with blood or something).
I’m calling you out Chris. Most people on this earth are too afraid of your wound-fucking, child exploding ass to take you on but I know better. I know that deep inside you’re a scared little girl who gets by by instilling fear into those who would oppose you(which is why you blow up children since if they were to gang up on you your sweet crooning ass would be torn up worse than my face after that really terrible case on acne I had last week. Seriously that shit can hurt when there’s enough on you). But I’m not afraid at all especially since the whole world is counting on me.
Consider yourself challenged Chris. I will meet you on whatever terms you wish provided you can arrange transportation and a marble statue of Christopher Reeve(I collect them, so far I only have one but you have to start somewhere). Once I see that you’ve been defeated my mind will be at peace and if you weren’t dead I’d even want to jam with you or something but since you will die by my hand I guess I’ll just have to party with your corpse or something.
I look forward to hearing back from you.