I Just Want to Drive

I failed my driving test yesterday. The following entry is just me outlining how I got into this whole thing. It will most likely be unfunny, pointless and rather boring for anyone who isn’t me so if you’re looking for some entertainment I suggest you go elsewhere. Just think of this as my own form of therapy. Now that you all understand my intentions I will continue for my own benefit.

As someone who was born and raised in Toronto I never felt much of a need to have a driver’s license. When I was a teenager I could get anywhere I needed to go quickly using either public transportation or paying for a cab. I also didn’t have much money at the time and what little I did have was spent on brown liquor and strippers and there was no way I was going to trust myself to drive after a night of partying.

I figured I had lots of time to do this whole driving thing and since there weren’t many times where I NEEDED to drive to whole issue fell to the back of my mind(as most things that don’t have anything to do with sex, money or drugs tend to do). I got my G1(or learners permit for those unfamiliar with Ontario’s crazy laws) when I was 17 and now that I was approaching my 30s I thought it time to got my act together and learned to do what most 16 year-olds who can’t grow a moustache could already do.

With the encouragement of my dear wife who was in a similar situation we signed up for driving school. Naturally I resisted making appointments for lessons so it took me much longer to finish the course than her. I should note that this was the second time I had paid for lessons since I tried the whole thing out a year or two earlier but never went to more than two classes(anyone see a pattern here?).  She completed the course, took her road test and passed on the first try.

Since I tend to avoid “doing stuff” as much as possible it was impossible for me to follow so simple a path. I had finished my lessons and tried to book a test online. I thought I had everything ready to go when I realized that a computer error had made it so there never was an appointment for me. Shortly afterwards my G1 expired again(as it does every 5 years) and I stopped caring. It took at least another year for me to go down to the government office and get another one. My reasoning for waiting so long was that the government sucks and I didn’t feel like spending 4 hours lining up with a bunch of kids and foreigners so some failure could take my picture and write some stuff in a computer. I’m really great at rationalizing anything that allows me to be more lazy.

This all happened last year and I was firmly determined to get everything right this time. I booked a road test for the beginning of September and was planning to go out and get some practice before that. Then the driving examiners decided to go on strike for FOUR FUCKING MONTHS! I kept making appointments during that entire time just in case the strike would be over soon. Not only was I making appointments but I was also booking those days off of work so every onth of the strike sucked up more of my vacation time. Finally when the strike ended in January I was ready to go and nothing was going to get in my way.

So I failed the first test.

The tester had to grab the wheel since I wasn’t paying attention at a red light. Instant fail but the guy giving the test said that otherwise my driving was excellent and if it weren’t for that one incident then he would have surely passed me. I re-booked as soon as possible and got even more practice in. Now that I knew what my mistake was I could be better prepared for the next test.

Which I failed.

This time it was just nerves. I kept trying to not fuck up but all that did was make me fuck up more. The guy just said I made too many mistakes and seemed like I was drifting off(which I was). Once again I had to pay $40 and book another test. This time I only had to wait ten days for another appointment and since it was early in the morning I didn’t have to take the day off work.

And yes in case you didn’t already figure it out I failed for the third time.

I didn’t give the right of way to someone and that equals failure. At this point it almost feels like the universe is telling me that I shouldn’t be on the road. Though I haven’t given up yet I doubt my sanity or my wallet can take much more than this. I have something booked at the end of this month and if I can’t get it this time I’m thinking of just bringing some bribe money and see if I can pay off one of these guys. This has been way too much stress for something that should have been finished when I was 18.

Nothing to do really but sit back and laugh at dogs.



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