So I just saw a news story in the elevator at my office talking about increased security at the G8 summit in Halifax. There are probably much more important stories that I could cover but since I only get my news from elevators and by listening in on other people’s conversations this is the best I can do right now.
Personally I’ve never been much of a protester. It’s not that I’m not angry at the world or that I see no injustice in the way the lower classes are treated; it’s just that I have three seasons of Veronica Mars to get through so I don’t really have much time to hang around government buildings with a bunch of smelly “anarchists”. After some deep examination of my own mind and a lot of prescription drugs I’ve come up with a few things that given the chance I would totally go out and protest if it weren’t for the Veronica Mars situation mentioned previously.
1. Parking spaces for people with children
Congratulations, it’s a girl! Now you get to lord your ability to fuck without birth control above everyone else who hasn’t sacrificed everything they had for a child who will most likely end up disappointing them in the end. But not just that you get to park closer to the store because businesses want your money more than money belonging to non-breeders who have much more disposable income.
I’m willing to bet most businesses hate this kind of pandering as much as I do and the only people in favour of it are new moms who feel that the entire community should recognise how special they and their children are. These spots teach our children that they are entitled to special treatment because of their age which is something that a fascist would do.
My plan here is to find one of these retailers and have a group of people outside who are unable to have children. Try to convince anyone trying to get into the store that the policy of reserved spaces for families violates the charter as it is basically discrimination against those who are unable to have children. One could argue that not being able to pro-create is a disability since it’s as much a part of life as being able to breathe and walk without assistance.
I guarantee that this would work and it has the added bonus of putting parents in their place.
2. The cost of stamps
Anyone know how much it costs to send a letter? I don’t and since I’m a pretty smart guy I doubt others do as well. The next time Canada Post tells of an increase everyone should line up at their nearest post office and ask for a one cent stamp. then go to the back of the line and wait to buy another one. The time this will take up would ruin any other business that the post office and make them think twice about charging an extra cent to send something across the country.
3. Poorly labeled mp3s
This is fucking 2010 and whenever I steal mp3s from Metallica whoever ripped them has failed to include any ID3 tags. For fuck’s sake pretty much every program for ripping CDs out there will auto-populate the ID3 tags so how come I still get albums with names like “Track 1” and “Weather Girls – 1982 – IT’S RAINING MEN(1982 1ST JAPANESE PRESSING ripped by – eV1lRet4rd3648” with no information regarding the artist and album. It’s refuckingdiculous that I have to go in and manual change every tag so my mp3 library doesn’t look like it was sorted by an 8 year-old with cerebral palsy.
Since the 3rd circle of Hell is reserved for people who mislabel mp3s their punishment on earth needs to be more severe than the other two cases already discussed. In this case I propose finding out who these people are(it won’t be hard really since anyone with half a brain knows how to label their shit) and just fucking murdering them. In my experienced legal opinion these people do not actually count as one of us due to their limited intelligence and lack of motor skills. Perhaps some torture before the actual killing could take place but really it’s up to you guys to do what feels right.
After about 5 or 6 people die because of this I guarantee you will never find a badly labeled track on any filesharing site again.