Until Today I Thought That Miniature Horses Only Existed in the Imaginations of Boring Little Girls

They are real and they are scary.

I was first made aware of these freaks of nature when someone on twitter linked to this story. A record breaking horse usually isn’t a big deal to me but since previous to reading that article I thought the entire species was just some kind weird folklorish joke like unicorns or global warming; the story blew the fuck out of my mind and shook my soul down to my highly impacted colon.

So now that the horse is out of the barn. I have a few questions that I can’t be bothered to google the answer  to.

Question 1: What the fuck?

I’m not really expecting a good answer to this one but I just had to get it out there.

Question 2: Seriously who’s idea was this?

Perhaps repeated exposure to South Park has turned my brain into some kind of pop-culture quoting automaton but when I try to imagine the being responsible for this blasphemous creation I find myself thinking of a cross between Bill Nye and Kimmy Gibbler. The two names aren’t really related to each other in any way but they were the first to come to mind and if you really think about it it could make sense.

Question 3: What purpose do these monsters serve?

Now I know that you’re getting into strange territory when you’re looking to justify the existence of anything but nevertheless I need to ask in this case. I can understand owning a dog for companionship and such and I can even accept that some people are into really small, yappy dogs that can fit easily into a designer purse; but I can’t imagine these little equine nightmares being anything but a giant chore.

Sure horses have been around man for thousands of years and we’ve accomplished quite a lot together. For a long time they were one of our most reliable forms of land travel and history would have been much different if we went around riding on ostriches. Most of the horse’s life was spent outdoors as they are known to produce jaw-dropping loads of shit every 4 minutes or so. Living in the city as I do I couldn’t see anyone having the room to have a miniaturized version of this poop machine.

Also horses aren’t as affectionate or cool with people as dogs are so the whole thing sounds a lot like trying to train a gerbil to give you anal pleasure.

Question 4: What the fuck?

I think I already covered this one.

Question 5: Where can I get some?

I was thinking of re-creating the battle of Stirling Ridge using ring-tailed lemurs for the English and sugar gliders for the Scots. Both of these mammals can fit on the back of one of these horses and I’m sure the battle would be epic. I even have a large cardboard cutout of Mel Gibson that could be used to remind everyone just what kind of low-life, hypocritical racist he is.

Question 6: Does this mean that miniature hippos are just around the corner?

The answer better be yes.

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