According to some smart motherfuckers a spring is defined as:

a source of supply; especially : a source of water issuing from the ground

I prefer to think of a spring as a piece of some material wound in such a way that applying pressure to one end will contract it and create resistance in the object but that really isn’t important. My point is that people don’t appreciate springs enough and I think it’s about time they got their due.



Did you know that without springs we wouldn’t have foldable metal futons? That awesome Swiss watch that you’re going to buy me? Worthless without a spring. Our entire society would be overrun with mice and rats if it weren’t for the spring powered mouse decapitation device.

The real victor is mankind.

The real victor is mankind.

Now when I speak of springs most people will think of a Slinky and normally I would think the same thing but there are a few things on my mind regarding the Slinky that you should be aware of:

  1. A Slinky is like a spring that’s been through a lot of trauma and is weak because of it. There’s almost no tension on the thing and that alone should make it inferior.
  2. One used to be able to hurt people with a Slinky even though they were the theatre-loving cousin of the almighty spring. The ends were just a thin piece of wire that could break skin and lodge into the eyeballs of your enemies. This one activity accounted for 90% of child blindness in the 70’s and 80’s. Now they have these little caps on the ends to make sure that no small children will be maimed. This is why China is going to take us over one day.
  3. The name Slinky is weak and kinda creepy. If an old man came up to you in a park and said that he’d let you play with his Slinky I’m willing to bet that you’d be hearing rape whistles sounding from every treetop.
  4. It doesn’t go up stairs, you have to actually pick it up and carry it up a bunch of stairs in order to have any fun with it(except for the fun activities outlined in point 2). Any “toy” that requires that much effort is not worth the .01 cents of metal it’s cut from.

So I guess the point of all this is that you all should start giving springs some respect. I’m not asking for a donation or anything like that to save endangered springs(even though that would be a good start). I just think that you need to take a look at the world around you and appreciate the little things in life because my penis gets enough attention as it is.

Ok I’m done.

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