Most things in pop culture I tend to find out about after everyone else is done. There’s this new movie starring Eric Robert’s less-talented younger sister called Eat Pray Love which is based on some book of the same name. Now I haven’t read the book or seen the movie and I have no intent to do so but I’ve heard enough about the general idea of it that I feel like I’m qualified to comment on it. As always I trust the opinion of Stephen Hawking who referred to the film as “shameless wish-fulfillment, a Harlequin novel crossed with a mystic travelogue, and it mercifully reverses the life chronology of many people, which is Love Pray Eat.” Not sure what he meant by that but the dude knows his way around a black hole so I’ll just assume he’s right about this.
It turns out that in the movie Erin Brockovich ends up travelling around and doing stuff that other women would do if they had an advance on a book large enough to let them travel around the world to find themselves because they can’t seem to get their shit together. The climax is Pretty Woman hooking up with that guy from No Country For Old Men that used the air compressor to kill people(I really don’t understand why Hollywood hasn’t made an entire franchise about that guy but I guess no one else has the same vision that I have). I can only assume that the body count rises exponentially after this point in the film which would redeem it in the eyes of all the bored husbands and boyfriends forced to sit through two-plus hours of the bad kind of chick porn.
All of this money has inspired me to come up with my own enlightenment plan geared towards men. In the spirit of the original work I have titled it “Drink, Fight, Fuck” which I believe better serves my target audience. I would ask for a book deal but men don’t read books and I really don’t have the patience to write one anyway. A movie could be ready by next summer if Hollywood decides to get off their asses and stop blocking my calls.
I will now outline(AT NO COST TO YOU!!) my programs for better male enlightenment and feminine oppression. All of my programs will cost you less both in time and money than the alternative Italy, India, Bali excursion. Please take into account that all prices are based on half-assed estimates and probably don’t represent anything close to reality.
DFF Gold Package ($500 – whatever)
This is for guys that can get at least a week off of work. It could be crammed into a long weekend but really a week is better since it’ll give you some recovery time. As with all the packages this one is pretty flexible but there a few core points that need to be hit for the mission to be deemed successful.
- you must travel a minimum of 200 km from where you live
- the place you go must be somewhere you’ve never been and you’re pretty sure you won’t run into anyone you know
- take up residence in the cheapest hotel/motel you can find
- stay away from tourists, drink only with the locals
- drink, fight, fuck, repeat
Since I’m not good at explaining stuff clearly or whatever I’ll give an example of how I would go about one of these sojourns. First step is to buy a one week round trip ticket to Budapest, 6 pairs of underwear, 8 pairs of socks, a pack of baby wipes, box of condoms and 17 mini-bottles of Baileys. Put all of the items into a sturdy plastic grocery bag and hop on the plane. Make sure to finish the Baileys as fast as possible as the stewardess will try to take them from you once she realises that you plan on drinking all of them. Get sick since you’re lactose intolerant and spend the rest of the flight in the bathroom with the baby wipes. The whole air travel sickness is to get your mind and body ready for the week ahead.
Upon arrival make sure to get into an argument with the customs agent regarding his/her english speaking skills and the sexual promiscuity of his/her mother and/or sisters. This will save you at least 1 nights hotel stay since they’ll most likely want to keep you around until they figure out what to do with you. Jerk off in the holding cell while you wait. You now have one DFF under your belt without even trying.
If they’re actually dumb enough to let you into the country you should then wander the streets in search a small bar where you’ll find no native english speakers or sanitation practices. Order the cheapest drink you can get and find a small corner where you can scope out a good target for your next fight. When you have your mark try to get him involved in some light conversation. This is good opportunity to develop your social skills and learn about a different culture while also giving you a chance to identify the target’s weaknesses. As the night rolls on become more and more insistent with every drink that the man you’re drinking with is displaying homosexual tendencies by wearing those shoes. If you’re mouth isn’t full of blood by midnight you should probably just give up and shoot pictures of bridges for the rest of your trip because you’re obviously not meant for this kind of thing. If you have success then celebrate by finding the most cracked-out whore possible and haggle over the price of handjob. Be sure to refuse payment as this could potentially make you a target for her pimp thereby setting up the next fight for you.
Continue the week in the same manner trying variations of what was done previously. Try to become more efficient at starting fights and make sure to sample as much local booze as possible. On the flight back home try to convince the stewardess to at least rub your ass just so you can finish off with a bang. Also try to walk through customs coming home without stopping since after all you’re a citizen and don;t have to put up with stupid questions like “do you have any fruit or vegetables?” or “what is that purple stuff oozing from that gash where your ear used to be?”.
DFF Silver Package($20 – $500)
Similar to the Gold Package except that you can just go out to a bar where you live. Try to find a place that you wouldn’t normally unless you like the idea of your friends and neighbours never speaking to you again. As for the fucking part you can just pussy out and come home to your wife or girlfriend if grabbing random sluts isn’t your thing. Prostitutes also work as with the Gold Package
DFF Bronze Super-Saver Package($20 and an internet connection)
- down 40 oz of jack
- troll message boards
- jerk off and fall asleep
I expect to hear a lot of success stories in the future regarding this program. Feel free to pass it on to your friends so long as I’m credited if it works out. If it doesn’t work out then I don’t know who you are or where you got that information and really fuck you for asking.