Apologies for the infrequent posts but it’s been a crazy couple of months for me. Luckily I’ve been cured of at least some of my insanity as you will soon discover.
I lost a part of myself again on Tuesday; something that my own body created to express my masculinity to all who dare gaze upon my face. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that my moustache is gone for the time being. I could go on for days expressing the great pain that I have inflicted upon myself and the rest of humanity but now is not the time for it as I’m still in mourning. Instead of my usual MO of trying to bring down everyone with me I’ll share with you all the single positive element to be born of this experience:
The day started as any other with me waking up promptly at 10am ready to take on the world and rape all of it’s precious metals. Scarfing down two soft-boiled eggs along with the usual anti-depressants I began going over the day in my head. There was really nothing pressing for me to do so I sat back in the dining room chair and stroked my victorious moustache in reflection. Seeing as my mind is usually only occupied my what my hands are touching at that time of the morning I decided to re-evaluate my facial hair situation.
The sentence was death.
It was a young moustache, precision cut from my beard no more than two weeks ago. Although mighty and virile I figured the loss of it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Also I was sick of shaving and as summer turns to fall I felt it easier to just let everything grow.
With a heavy heart I stumbled gracefully into my bathroom and stared in the mirror for a good twenty minutes giving me time to say goodbye to my multi-coloured mouth accessory. With manly tears of regret I reached for the electric razor and commenced my ritualistic castration. I began by trimming down the handlebars on each side making my moustache into something more straight and pedophiliac(I don’t know if that’s a word but it seems like it should be). Seeing how something so panty-drenching could turn into a line of failure below my nose was more than I could bear. Shaver in hand and failure in my heart I trimmed it down to a single patch of hair right beneath my nose in the style of Robert Downey Jr in the movie about that old guy who was a communist. Although the moustache in it’s current state could never be worn outside it occurred to me that some of the internet people who I’ve never met would get a kick out of seeing a picture of me like that.
That’s where I stopped.
My image in the mirror began swirling and distorting. A large void opened up in front of me and I could see the whole of time and space in one instant. This in itself was not unexpected as the loss of my facial hair releases so much energy into the universe that a wormhole must be created every time I shave otherwise the whole planet would be in danger.
From the void appeared an image of my future self. A figure with fire in his eyes and a moustache that would turn Lemmy into a crying mess. I had a 60oz bottle of Jack in my left hand and in my right was some kind of flamethrower/lazer/air compressor. From the top of a pile of charred corpses my future self growled to me in a deep weathered voice:
Stop what you’re doing right now! The next step you take is the most important one you have ever taken. Both of us know that looking like Hitler is pretty much the funniest thing you could ever do but think about the consequences first! Posting such a picture is simply giving ammunition to the pussyfaggotcommies who want nothing more than to bring you down. It’s easy for them to take it out of context and vilify you more than you deserve. Having such a thing last forever on the internet will destroy all that you have worked so hard for. For my sake and the sake of the entire earth please continue shaving.
I was taken aback! Never before have I thought of the consequences of my actions thinking it was only something that the Belgians did. I watched the void close before me and was back to staring at my own reflection. Taking my own words to heart I put down my camera phone, did about 20 minutes of Hitler pantomime and shaved the remainder of my upper lip.
When it was all over I walked out on the balcony to have a smoke and survey the land around me. Deep in thought I realised that even a few months ago I would have just posted a picture of myself as Hitler without a second thought. It was at that moment that I knew there was a scratch of sanity left in me. I cracked a slight smile and continued smoking knowing that all I surveyed would soon be mine because of my actions today.
Here’s a picture of two penguins wearing sweaters.