Hey Siri, Quit Fucking With My Breakfast

This morning I made two eggs which isn’t that weird since I make two eggs every morning because I only eat two meals a day and I need some protein to go with my coffee and amphetamines so my stomach doesn’t implode. I went with soft boiled which again isn’t that strange since I have eggs that way at least twice a week and soft boiled eggs when done right give you the satisfaction of slurping up a warm liquid yolk in one go. So far this story is as mundane as people have come to expect from me, not to say it gets much better but I am going to give you more than just my standard breakfast routine.

So we’ve established that these eggs are going to be soft boiled. For the uninitiated soft boiled eggs need to be timed correctly due to the volatile nature of chicken periods. Overcooking will lead to disappointment and undercooking will lead to me trying to remove globs of runny egg white from my beard and I have enough problems removing opaque loads of protein from my body as it is.

I’ve seen in old movies and tv shows people use this little plastic fucker known as an “egg timer” which supposedly will assist you in making the perfect egg as described above. Granted the timer probably has other uses but since the name itself refers to eggs specifically I’ll assume that’s what it does best. Having never actually seen one IRL and this not being 1956 I just use the timer on my iPhone. Since actually opening up the timer app takes a certain amount of thumb coordination which I’m usually not up for I tend to just instruct Siri to set the timer for me.

Our conversation is short and to the point:

Me – “set timer 3 minutes”

Siri(in a male voice since I don’t like the idea of having a female being that subservient to me because I’m like a total feminist but it’s no big deal because I’m just so honourable and whatever) – “ok, 3 minutes and counting”

This is really all I want out of a machine that helps me cook eggs. I give the instruction, it executes that instruction and we both go on with our day until I hear a friendly honking sound signalling that the timer is done and therefore so are my eggs. For months this machine and I have been successfully communicating in this fashion and my eggs have been treated well as a result.

Except for the exchange we had this morning:

Me – “set timer 3 minutes”

Siri – “ok, 3 minutes and counting. Don’t overcook that egg!”

Some of you who frankly I’m surprised have read this far may see this as just a cute little thing that this machine does. Hell there are tons of cutesy things that Siri says when you ask a question or swear uncontrollably at it. However this one thing completely threw me off and made me want to completely disable all my technology for the following reasons:

1. It makes an assumption that the timer was for eggs in the first place. Given that it was the morning and it’s probably become a pattern for me.

2. I now carry a device on me at all times that knows all my behaviour.

3. Not only does the device know my behaviour but that behaviour is being stored on a remote server somewhere for some purpose I couldn’t even begin to wrap my head around.

4. I don’t like having a machine telling me what to do under any circumstances. I have enough issues with actual people telling me what to do and for something that I pay hundreds of dollars a year to use to make those kind of assumptions about me is just too much to bear.

5. My dependence upon machines has reached sci-fi dystopian levels at this point and the next step is probably a one world government launching a crusade against all independent thought.

Still it’s easier than buying an egg timer.